Birthday cards from my parents are variations on a theme. Generally, they will say that they love me and that they’re proud of me.
I know that they love me. I always wonder if they’re really proud of me.
I am the less successful, divorced, barely keeping her head above water daughter. I still have to go to them for the occasional emergency, because I don’t have the funds to solve it myself. I owe them a lot of money, and I’m not sure when I’m going to be able to pay them back. I’m in a complicated, wonderful relationship with a guy, but I’m not willing to tell them about it, because I’m afraid that if I do, they won’t understand and they won’t like me anymore. Most days, when it comes to them, I feel like I’m a disappointment.
I look at my life and where I am and I’m proud of myself. I may be like a toddler, taking her first shaky steps, but I’m finally turning my life into what I want it to be. I’m toddling toward where I want to go. I still need the occasional helping hand from friends and family, but I’m getting better.
The things I would change about my life right now are things that are really out of my control to begin with. I’m proud of who I am and where I am.
I just wish I could be satisfied with that, and not worry about what the rest of the world thinks sometimes…